June 19, 2019
Adults only please!
“Those who can, DO; Those who can’t, REVIEW!”
Elephants and Cocks…Colonoscopies and Comedies
A friend once told me, “the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” Since I am not into exotic cuisine, I will just change the wording around a bit to say, “the best way to suck a cock is one mouth watering inch at a time.” mmmm… oh yes!
Oh! Before I forget, my brain to mouth (fingers) filter busted back in 2004, after I liberated my life and discovered my personal autonomy. I also discovered, it relieves stress to just get that negative shit outta my brain, so if you offend easily, this may not be the blog/ book review site for you. THAT being said, if cock sucking, prostate pegging, cock docking, good old fashioned puppy and kitty play, daddy doms, and vampire bites near scrumptious scrotums are up your alley then sugar, you will fit right in.
There will also be talk about fated mates, were-wolfs older than ‘Merica, and ex-military turned super soldier turned sexy super hero/ vigilante (Goddess! I love me some Nick Bella!!! Yum)! There will be angels, demons, witches from NOLA, and even K-Pop Bands! Guys who hate each other on sight, but can’t deny that pull toward one another… you know the one. That itch and draw so strong it feels like static electricity on the back of your neck any time the person is close, even though you may want to throat punch them when they speak. hahahaaa…
There will even be the sweet simple stories that just make you smile inside. The ones that are steady from beginning to end. Those are the ones I need from time to time to keep me anchored when the seas of life are just too tumultuous. The ones that have hidden little gems inside that remind me of how much I love the men my four sons have grown into. Family truths hidden in the pages of fiction are some of the sweetest treasures for me. So, sweet love stories will be here too. If it’s part of the “MM” world, and it is something that has spoken to me, it will be here. But, make no mistake, I will speak/ write what’s on MMY fucking mind regarding these sexy, dirty, tentacled, man-scaped, growly, complex, sweet, and sometimes broken men. There may even be one or two books about those who Nature trapped in a body that did not belong to the person they truly were. Again, if the story is something that spoke to me, and I consumed it, in my spirit, it will be here.
Now, that we have all that out of the way, let me welcome you, and explain why the hell I am even talking about consuming elephants or cocks in the first place. It’s quite simple actually, I have been thinking, dreaming, planning, procrastinating, and dreaming some more about starting this blog for months now. My children have encouraged me to do it, so that I have some connection to the outside world, even though the majority of this site will still be one-sided. I think they believe if I finally have my laptop open again after two years that I will read some news or reconnect with social media. I find that doubtful unless it is at the behest of an author, or is book related.
I am just too fucking old for the drama and bullshit found in the news and on social media sites. If I want to read about someone getting fucked, or fucked over I would rather do that on MY terms… preferably where hot guys are filling my imagination and kindle screen. Toss in a dragon shifter, some MPREG, a psychic, perhaps a ghost detective, and an ex-Navy Seal and fuck me runnin’, we got ourselves a
Yes! I know there are really terrible things going on in the world every second of every damn day. YES! I KNOW, people are hurting and the ones in charge are doing fuck all to fix it, when they hold the power to. YES! YES! I KNOW, blocking it all out doesn’t help fix the problem either.
HOWEVER, when you happen to be one of those people that life has fucked over, and you deal with pain every day of your life, perhaps finding a little bit of happiness in a book is its own form of helping, “fix the over all problem.” Perhaps if MORE people picked up a book than did half the stupid shit they did, the world wouldn’t have nearly as many problems as it does.
Such a simple thing. Get out of the screens that peer into our neighbors’ lives and start adding words to our daily intake, through books. More fictional drama is so much better than creating that shit in real life.
Between short stories, novellas, and novels, I read over 600 books in 2018. I was depressed, and angry with nothing but time on my hands as I laid in bed, in the near dark, staring at my walls, hating life and the enemy my body had become. So, books became my world… my therapy. I’ve only read about a third of that so far in 2019, even though I am even sicker this year than last. It is ok though… Consume One Inch at a Time, RIGHT?!?! 😜
So, here I am finally getting to the reason as to why I decided to start this review blog.
Last summer I was reading a reverse harem series about dragon shifters. I loved the series because it actually made me laugh. I don’t mean giggle, or chuckle. I mean, full on tears rolling down my face… “Oh my Goddess! I need to put on a DEPENDS because I just peed myself,” belly laughed. It was more than inappropriate, by society standards, but hey I mean, aren’t most harems? FUCK! The woman heroine of the story always had a bottle of wine in her hand (not a glass), who saw her grandmother’s ghost, and she was fucking several men/ dragons at the same time, who were also fucking each other. It was over the top, crass, immature, raunchy, with ridiculous one liners and jokes and I FUCKING LOVED IT!!!!
For the first time in months my mind wasn’t absorbed with how much pain I was in. So, with a little joy in my heart I decided I would finally write my first review telling the world how great I thought this series was. I went on Amazon, looked up the first book and was excited to see there were quite a few reviews, not yet understanding exactly how the review system worked.
**Try not to judge me too harshly, I thought the stars represented a percentage of the number of reviews across the genre. I had never even read an ebook til this time in my life. I’m old *cough…47 and have read and owned thousands of books in my life, but never read an ebook til August of 2017. I had always purchased books from library sales, brick and mortar stores, etc. So this whole concept was new to me.
As I began reading the reviews for this series, my heart began to hurt. Not for me, pray tell, but for this author, and for the world she had created. I could hardly wrap my mind around the awfulness of some of the comments. I mean, it is okay to not like something, but to be so cutting towards a person is just ridiculous. I somehow imagined the book review world would be better than this. Who the fuck did these people think they were, modern day Siskel and Ebert, for fuck’s sake? There is a HUGE difference in constructive criticism and just slashing someone’s throat through your critique, for fuck sake.
Once the hurt left, I was pissed. We are talking, full on feathers ruffled, Momma-hen, don’t go messin’ with my baby chicks (books) mode! These fuckers were so uptight, they wouldn’t know a comedy from a colonoscopy. So, I did what any good momma would do… I gathered my babies close, told them they were great no matter what others said, then I beat the fuck outta the naysayers with my words… BUT because I pissed other reviewers off, because you can’t call others out on their “author bashing” apparently, I got put in time-out by Amazon.
One reviewer in particular, I will NEVER forget, wrote about how awful the grammar and spelling was in the book. Granted there were about 10% worth mistakes overall, but this was a young indie author, and also one from another country, so some spelling were different by standard only, like: color/ colour. Those are things I ALWAYS take into account when I am reading a book. What got me about this review was that the person had oh about 75-100 words in their post and a good 30% of that was all grammatically incorrect. So, I mentioned that in my own review. I didn’t write the person’s handle or anything like that, but I did mention all their mistakes, and I may have quoted a phrase or two from their post… oops! LOL But I ended the post by simply stating,
“Those who can DO, (write); Those who can’t, REVIEW!” Rude? Maybe. True? Absofuckinlutely!!!
Reviewers are allowed to say whatever the hell they want about a book, an author’s work, their child in some ways, and it is quite alright, but let another reviewer take a stand for an author and they get black-listed??? That’s just craziness! Thing is, because that was my first review and I had no desire after that to leave more – I had no idea it had happened until one of my sons wanted to leave a review for something we purchased for Christmas, and we found we weren’t able. It was all handled with Amazon though, and I am now able to leave reviews again and have been doing so for many months now. I have quite a few that have a “sensitivity filter” on them though…whatever the crap that means. **sigh… ANYWAY, movin’ on.
So, it was through that little experience that I decided maybe I should just write my own reviews and keep them in a journal. That then led to me looking through my kindle which then led me to Goodreads, which then Oh MY Sweet BayBee Cheez-itz! I found my people! bwahahahaaaa… I promise I have NOT been living under a rock! My sons say I live in a cave because I have to stay in the dark because of my eyes and head pain, but under a rock? Pshht! No! 😂
It was through GR that I found a couple of groups to join and through those groups I have met authors and other book sluts… I mean bibliophiles who have offered advice on how to move, live, and breathe in that realm because Holy Elton John’s glasses, BatMan! That place can overwhelm you when you first join; ‘specially poor unfortunate souls like me, who have not a techie bone in their body. Thank Gaia for my four millennials, because without those young men, I would still be using parchment and a quill.
Through these groups I have joined ARC (Advanced Review Copy) teams, some exclusive to particular authors, which I love (You RAWK, J. Cole and Noah Harris!). I have joined reading challenges, and quests. I have expanded my (I am ashamed to admit) very limited knowledge of topics that some of our youth today deal, and struggle with. Especially those in the LGBTQ+ community. I have researched some of the topics brought up in the books I have read, and actually joined some support groups within those communities (if you have a moment, there are kids who could use your help. Or If you know someone who needs help The Trevor Project is a GREAT resource – just FYI). THOSE are the kinds of things I believe in staying informed about, and would deem news worthy. Not the other BS that blows up our news feeds. Nope! No thanks! You can keep all that mess! Puff-Puff-Pass me a cock-er-two! 💋
I want to write reviews about the books I like and love, by authors who mostly get overlooked because of their indie status, or because the genre(s) they cover haven’t gone mainstream yet. I want to do this without fear or worry that “Big Brother conglomerates” will hide my reviews behind a sensitivity filters or remove them altogether because they hold content that may be sensitive to some. I read explicit material, therefore it makes sense some of my reviews will reflect that. In a MMOST positive way, of course. I only wish to titillate your senses, after all!
Which, let’s just be clear… IF I read, hmmm… okay, if I read a Quin & Perin book (and if you have not, OMG-ess! you are missing out!) and there is a scene in it that I think is so amazingly hot that you might need to get supplies ready PRE-reading it, well you can bet Peter Pan’s Pants I am sure gonna tell ya to get those plugs, clips, lube tubes and dildos out! 💙 💦 And maybe tissues for “spillage!” You know, a sista’s gotta help where she can!
In all seriousness, life doesn’t stop, no matter what fresh hell we are going through. Some of us have it worse than others. The innocent seem to suffer the worst. There is no rhyme or reason behind all the evil that continues to prevail while goodness seems so die with each breath we take. We are each living on time we have borrowed from the future’s children. It isn’t ours no matter how much we like to think it is. The only thing here that belongs to us is our memories, and even those can fade with time. So, perhaps it is best to just embrace the present for the gift it is, and savor every delicious inch, as we devour the words on each page.